It seems we were born in sets, Jean, Joan (although they cheated 'cause they're twins); Vicky, Gary; me and you; Jimmy and Lisa--see what I mean? Like it or not, you're my other sibling half. Trying to live without my other half is like learning to walk after a broken leg that doesn't heal quite right. I'm just limping along. I just want it to be over with, need it to be over with. It being the operative word for the heartache, the tears that come on at any given moment, the anger and depression and that emptiness, so unbelievably present all the time. I pretend really well sometimes: hey look at me, I'm laughing, working, doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing--my academy award winning performance of moving on. Other times, depression wraps around me like a cocoon, and I can't shake it. Just not enough energy in me to perform. This feeling I carry with me is a close friend now. Nothing quite fills in that void. I miss talking to you on the phone. I could talk to you about whatever, with no judgment on your part; conversate about mom, how much we missed her, and you'd listen, and listen, and listen. I could get on a plane for a visit if I wanted to antagonize you in person as only a sister can, send an email or text with one word, HEY! And you'd call me back and say, "What up?" Our special formula for bastardizing the English language by cutting half of it out. And yet, the message was always relayed.
I'm trying to take care of Dad like you would if you were here. Although he claims he doesn't need any help. Yep, I know, his pride kickin' into overdrive, which had me thinking about something you said when mom passed. I was still in my apartment in University Place. I worry about Dad being by himself. It must be hard, you know? Never to hear Mom's voice again. I knew what was coming, and really did not want to hear it. You know, you should think about moving in with Dad. He needs you there. I mumbled some kind of halfhearted response like, "Yeah, yeah I'll think about." I was really comfortable in that apartment, and did not want to move in with Dad. I got off the phone and turned into a two-year-old who'd just been told it's nap time and wasn't ready for it. Major temper tantrum dude. I cried so long and so hard I couldn't see straight, nose pouring snot like Niagara Falls. But when it blew over and I felt normal again, I knew what I needed to do.
Dad's surgery was so bad Kenny, and he suffered, God did he suffer. All that medication they polluted his body with didn't even seem to touch on the pain he experienced. But he adjusted, with a few scary moments in between, and things are better now. I just wanted to let you know, we haven't left him alone to deal. I won't leave him alone. And if you were here, even with the cancer, I know you'd be here too. You were always so much more giving, and selfless than me. Me? Huh...I wear selfish like a Girlscout badge of honor. You know that's true. Although, I think we were pretty evenly matched when it came to being stubborn. That's a characteristic we all get honestly from Mom and Dad. Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, on a more cheerier note, you now have four new grandchildren. Maria got married and has Cody and Emily. Kenny's got two kids, Celeste and Adrian. Adrian looks like Kenny's little mini-me. Joan thinks he favors you, and Jimmy too when you were both little. They're beautiful kids, all of your grandchildren are incredible. Ariana gets to reign as the princess over all since she's the oldest. I wish you were here to see them. The kids have their issues to deal with Kenny, but they're doing the best they can to make a life for themselves without you here to share it with them. No easy task. You'd be proud of them though. I'm gonna get mushy now; I love you, and every day I miss you more. Okay, I'll stop talking.
Love,
Big Sis
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