I have a lot of anger to muck through. I know that. A lot of guilt over decisions I made pertaining to dad's treatment -- I was all over the place in my ignorance, not knowing or understanding some of the things being done to him by doctors, feeling deep down the medications they were giving him were toxic to his body but not having enough confidence to go up against the medical professionals -- who were telling me it was the best thing for him -- to put a stop to it. Angry at myself for being so stupid and ignorant when Dad trusted me to make decisions concerning his life. I've got to find a way through this or it's going to eat me up.
This morning I was listening to Tyler Perry talking about his new show airing this Sunday called, Visionaries, a show about his life. Something he said really resonated with me. He said that after losing his mom he threw himself into his work which helped him through the grieving process, helped him to shift from the sadness and get back to who he was or rather a new version of who he was. He further stated that once you enter into something tragic you're never the same again. So true.
The shifting is excruciating for some I think. And sometimes, just when you're starting to make the transition to a point of shifting, you're hit again. I think that's where I'm at right now. I’ve been trying since mom and Kenny passed to get back to the person I was before, which just isn’t possible. Nothing can be like it was. I guess I'll just keep trying to find a way around it all though. Make some kind of transition to normalcy.
My own way.
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