Holding On

I've always wanted to be remembered by my children as someone who was strong, classy; someone who endured her troubles with grace. But I don't think that will be the case. I'm not strong, and grace and class would not be adjectives used to describe how I've dealt with loss. I'm drowning in misery, and don't even have the strength to pretend otherwise. And that's a darn shame.

I know I have to crawl out from under this. I know I do. Today I met Lisa for lunch in Seattle, and it took every ounce of energy I had to leave the comfort of my place and walk out the door. These days, I fight the urge every day to not just keep my head in the sand. To just sit on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel, one Christmas movie after the other. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday I have to add, and I should know, I've spent a lot of Saturdays on my couch barely moving except to eat, pee, and eat some more. But honestly, if I didn't have to go to work, or communicate with family, and friends, I think I'd spend the rest of my life with my butt attached to the couch, until all of my tears dried up, if ever. But today was nice. We went to KP Kuka Pradel after lunch, my favorite silver jewelry store, owned by a young woman and her drop dead gorgeous husband from Bulgaria. Really nice people, with really unique and beautifully customized jewelry. I saw a ring I really, really like but can't afford. It's a pretty bauble that'll distract me for a moment, and I think I need it, which means I'll probably buy it, and then spend the next couple of paydays starving because of it. Oh well, been there, done that, and didn't even have anything worthwhile to show for it.

In January, I'm planning a trip to Hawaii to spend time with Michael, Melissa and my beautiful Diamond. Sometimes when you know you're drowning, you've got to reach out and find something or someone to hold on to -- not literally of course, unless it's a nice piece of jewelry you're tight fisting for dear life. As a rule, people tend not to like things hanging on them, especially a piece of emotional and grieving bit of baggage like myself.

Oh my God though…sometimes my chest gets so tight and I feel overwhelmed and sad and...like, I'm stuck in infinity and even if it’s only a day, it’s too long living in a space that was previously filled with the life of someone I've loved all my life. It's frickin' hard.

But, I'll keep my mind and thoughts busy with nonsense when I can, like winning the lotto, buying pretty stuff I can't afford, and planning trips to see my kids and their kids, oh and I've got Vegas to look forward to in May with Mary, my best friend in the whole wide world, and her siblings. I’ve got all of that to look forward to.

So, I need to call the travel agent on Tuesday to get my trip booked and juggle my bills so I can buy myself something pretty. Okay, it'll be alright.