My Volunteer Work

As a hospice volunteer we are asked to walk into a stranger's home and allow the caregiver at least 4 hours to do whatever they want or need to do away from the home, while we look after their loved one. 4 hours didn't seem like a whole helluva lot of time to me when I first started my volunteer work. Now that I've spent some time in caring for my dad I have a clearer understanding of how precious those moments must be for a family member who's been caring for their loved one morning, noon and night. The person dealing with the good, bad and ugly moments, and I can guaran-damn-ty-ya there's going to be days where all three of them dudes will be present and accounted for. Imagine not getting any kind of release what-so-ever. I know how blissful my weekends have become after being at dad's all week, and I'm not even there during the day, so it goes without saying I'm not even doing half as much as what a full time caregiver does on a daily basis. And yet...the stress of wondering if I'm doing the right thing, saying the right thing, doubting whether I'll even be able to handle the next emergency--and there always seems to be another emergency--on some days, leaves me completely undone. And the emotionally jarring windfall from all of the bleeding done on the inside watching the life force slipping away from a person I've loved my whole life, or worst, waking up each morning wondering if I will walk into the family room where he sleeps and find him...gone, literally depletes me.

All of this, and more...gives me a deeper understanding of the role of hospice volunteers. They allow the caregiver to take a step back, to inhale a deep cleansing breath of air, and exhale the frustrations, the worry and sadness, so they can get back to the deeply intimate business of caring and giving.

I put a temporary freeze on my volunteering when my dad started to need more care. And actually, over the last couple of months, I'd even wondered if it's something I can go back to. I have doubts as to whether I possess that special something necessary to do what a good volunteer does over and over again. However, with all my insecurities about whether I can be more, when someone needs me to be, and my doubts about...well, everything, I know that volunteering is a call I may need to answer again. After all, now that I know what I know, how can I not?

God, please help me to be more, when it's necessary that I be.